she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
