If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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