I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
