if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
