My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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