My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
