she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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