What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
