It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
