Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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