He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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