I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
And then my night got REAL pukey
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
