drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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