I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
