Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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