left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it was like having sex with a tree stump
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize