i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
