I am puke
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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