I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
