i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
