Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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