My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
