I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
