I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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