He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
