There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
We smell like vodka and hangover
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
