Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Randomize
