there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
