so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
