i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
