his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
