Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We're too hungover to prance.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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