fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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