I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Randomize
