remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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