even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
