Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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