Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
