Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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