she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
