So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
