Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
