My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
