Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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