this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
