please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
