Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
