I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
