Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
