You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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