im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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