I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
