Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
