I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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