I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
