I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
