Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
