I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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