She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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